It’s happened. That seemingly perfect soul mate has gone and taken a giant dump on your friend’s heart. And you’ve already listened to the hours of rage-fueled rants followed by hysterical tears but is there more that you can do to help your bestie repair?
Yes. Yes, there is.
Here’s a collection of the best breakup gifts that’ll help your heartbroken friend in their
hour month of need. Gift wisely and you might be able to get an hour or two of sleep this week…
What’s one surefire way of cheering up someone who’s feeling bad about themselves – letting them read about people who are worse off, of course.
This book showcases 50 sh*t boyfriends – all guaranteed to make her feel like her life isn’t so bad after all.
Warning: You’ll have to assume the responsibility of stopping her when she begins the whole, “I guess (ex’s name here) isn’t so bad after all…
When is the time you feel most vulnerable after a breakup? It’s got to be at night, right before you fall asleep. There’s that moment where you remember how it felt to just be held, which inevitably brings up memories of the last person to hold you…and then the tears begin.
Yup, we’re talking about the arm pillow, aka, one of the best parts of a boyfriend.
Make sure your friend has her bases covered in her hour of need with a super comfy boyfriend pillow so she can have her arm pillow without any of messy stuff that comes from actually having a boyfriend attached to it. You can pick the “vanilla” option, all dressed in a modest pj get-up or give her an upgrade and go for the muscle man.
The first line of defense against breakup pain? Well, it’s got to be a cute, kitschy gift that gets a good laugh out of them. And here it is – the Breakup Recovery Kit, complete with a Certificate of Breakup Recovery and general permission to be a self-pitying, miserable mess for as long as need be.
Once your friend is over the tears and beyond missing the relationship, they’ll be ready for the next step: revenge. Help them get through this phase in a way that’s least likely to result in jail time or a restraining order.
Yes, we’re talking voodoo dolls. Your friend will have a ball of a time pricking their ex to a lifetime of serious genital discomfort. Love that there’s a little place where they can place ex’s photo, lol.
Speaking of venting pent-up rage…what if your sweet friend isn’t the vicious revenge type? Well, get them a punching bag to air their frustrations out on. The only victim here will be your friend’s laundry.
Once the angry revenge stage has passed, there comes a phase of serious exhaustion. It’s when your friend realizes that a lot of energy and time has been spent on crying and raging. By this time, they just need some rest and relaxation.
What better way to do that than with a luxurious bubble bath? Deep Steep has got you covered on this front – this stuff produces some awesome bubblies!
Pair it with a decadent bottle of champagne to make these the best breakup gifts ever.
He broke her heart but doesn’t mean her other parts are broken. It’s time to remind your girl friend exactly why this breakup is the best thing that ever happened to her. I mean, did he ever even give her a big O?
Probably not. Well, f*ck that guy. Who needs him and his sleazy ways when she now has her very own clitoral stimulator that’s guaranteed to give her an O every time…unlike her ex.
If there’s one thing everyone does during a breakup, it’s spending a lot of time lounging around the house in various states of undress. Help your friend keep warm and fashionable with a superhero snuggie. It’ll help them feel like a boss even at their worst.
Once your friend is all cried out, tired of being angry and well-rested, there begins a weird phase of looking back on the past shitty relationship with nostalgia. This is the time when they’re most likely to text or call the jerk of an ex.
Prevent this from happening with a poster they can frame on their bedroom wall should they ever feel the temptation to go back to what caused them so much recent misery.
By now, your friend is reasonably sane again and possibly ready for some practical advice. Getting Past Your Breakup is one of the best ever written on this topic and it covers everything from how to work through all the emotional shittiness of a failed relationship to how to channel the misery into better relationships for the future.
Hopefully with this guide, this may be the last breakup gifts you ever have to get for this particular friend.
Another great breakup book that’s as funny as it’s helpful. Makes it easy as hell to get through.
She just ditched the guy who said and did the wrong things…isn’t it about time she had a man who always knew the right things to say?
Remind your friend that she (or he) is still a fox and give them something warm and fuzzy to snuggle with on those cold, lonely nights. Bonus? This one won’t scare off new suitors :)
A cute way to remind your friend each and every day that they’ll make it through this emotional mess.
Hilarious knife set. Just make sure to get it for your friend once you know they’re well and over the angry stage of their breakup ’cause, well, these are knives.
Friend over the breakup and ready to start dating again? This hilarious adult coloring book lays out what every girl in the dating world has experienced…
universe Heather Rutman has heard the prayers of every single girl with needs and brought you The Girl’s Guide to Depravity: How to Get Laid Without Getting Screwed.
It’s not your average “sleep around like a man” guidebook – it’s filled with woman-specific tips, how-to’s, rules, graphs and charts all designed to guiding the single girl toward all the perks of debaucherous fun – without the hangover.